Insert overly optimistic title about 2014/New Year's Resolutions here...

Oh the New Year... promise of new beginnings, fresh starts and resolutions that will make everything go perfect this time around.  Or will it only last for a few sweet weeks before it all comes crashing down and you realize this is still your life.... nothing has drastically changed, your willpower is probably exactly where it was December 31st, 2013 and it takes more than a month to lose all that weight you've put on in 2013 and the many years before it.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not actually trying to be negative or pessimistic... for once in my life I'm trying to be a realist.  Does January 1st of any year magically make us different people?  Every year I sit down and I make a list... *be more spiritual *read more *eat healthier *lose at least 50 pounds *be more active in nature *be more patient... yadda, yadda, yadda.  And every time I don't hit those goals... it could take me a month to realize it, it may take me 6 but when I realize it's not going to happen I'm destroyed.  I give myself some insane list of goals that no one can reach in a year and then I beat myself up for it when it doesn't happen.  Sounds like insanity doesn't it?  IT IS!

So this year I've taken a much more laid back approach to the New Year.  My main goal is to get healthy.  That doesn't mean lose weight, it doesn't mean be a size 6, it doesn't mean eat only salads until I throw up.  It means I want to feel mentally and physically healthy.  Now being Bipolar the whole mentally healthy thing isn't always easy - but I'm getting there.  I've been working with a wonderful Dr. who has gotten almost all the kinks worked out of my "Bipolar Medication Cocktail" and I'm feeling more stable then I have in probably the last 10 years. 

Now for the physically healthy part.... I've kinda gotten addicted to running... even if my running is more like jogging to most people I'm addicted.  So my main goal for that is to complete a half marathon in 2014 (or 13.1 miles)!  I've got a training program all picked out and I've started it and as long as there are no Bipolar dips in my near future I should be able to stick to it!  I'm super excited!

I don't think those goals are asking for too much... and these are NOT goals that I picked out as New Year's Resolutions... they are goals I've had for a couple months now (at least) that just happen to fall in 2014 :)

Lessons From the Fat-O-Sphere!

So I think I've been going about this the wrong way.  It's been just over a month since I last posted in this blog and what a crazy month it's been.  My bestie left for WA (I'm in NY - so nothing like a country to keep you apart), I've celebrated my 5 year wedding anniversary, attended a wedding, and been killing it in the gym.  I'm still following the Run Your Butt Off Couch 2 5K Plan and have made it to Week 5 where I've hit a bit of a wall, but I'm still pushing through it, and I still plan on running the entire Color Me Rad 5K in September.  Two things have changed:  I'm not running to lose weight anymore, and I've stumbled across this incredible book - Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby.

HOLY CRAP!  What an inspiring and eye opening read.  I'm about half way through and I'm hooked.  In a very brief summary the book is about learning to become healthy at every size, STOP yo-yo dieting and start intuitively eating, learning to accept/love yourself NO MATTER WHAT, and screw the media's ideals of "beauty".  What am I teaching my daughter if I'm constantly beating myself up because I'm "too fat"... why not teach her that I want to exercise/be active because it's something I LOVE doing.  I love becoming a runner, I love hiking, and I'm sure there's 1,000 more activities just waiting for me to fall in love with.

And this bullshit of forcing kids to finish every bite on their plate no matter what.  How about we teach our children intuitive eating.  Are you hungry? Eat... you're not hungry - why force it down your throat?  My body is so out of whack from constant yo-yo dieting that I honestly don't even know how to read my own bodies cues anymore.  It's going to take a lot of practice, but my main goal is to start eating intuitively and to find activities that I LOVE to help me get more fit.  Whether that fit is at 225 pounds or at 175, I truly feel that you can be active, and fit at any size.

So this something wonderful that is about to happen... it's me... learning to love myself NO MATTER what, and no matter what size I am.  I can't think of anything more wonderful than that!

And PS - are you honestly gonna tell me that these women aren't gorgeous just because they're over a size 8?

(KEEP READING THERE'S JUST A SMIDGE MORE AT THE BOTTOM!)

 

 And FYI the gorgeous woman in the bottom left hand corner is Jes from The Militant Baker, who is one of my new favorite body positive people to follow via Facebook, Pintrest, and so on!  Please check her out... her blog is where I found this incredible list of must read body positive books... here's the link!

The next book on my reading list is The Unapologetic Fat Girl's Guide to Exercise and Other Incendiary Acts by Hanne Blank! What a great title :)

Week 1 - Completed!

And what a week it was!  I started out with a bang (as I usually do) and hit the gym the day after I signed up!  I went 3 times that week and completed Week One of the Run Your Butt Off Program (RYBO), which was simply to walk for a minimum of half an hour, at a decent pace, 3-4 times that week. I did it!  The first day I went for 30 minutes plus some strength training, the second day was 45 minutes and some strength training and the last day I went was a 45 minute walk.  I was planning on going another day but got thrown a curve ball in our personal life that sent me into a tizzy... and I when I get sent into a tizzy Emotional Eater Ashley comes out of hiding with a vengeance.

What set me off?  First of all I work overnights and I'm exhausted almost all the time.  On top of that my landlord informed me he's selling our property.  We have no idea what will happen if he sells the property - we have a month to month lease and the new owners could easily jack up our rent or kick us out.  Thinking of trying to find a new place that's big enough, in our price range and will allow our pitbull-mix Revis to come too will not be an easy challenge in the lovely little village I hail from.  So I went bananas... crying, stressed out... and I ate, and ATE, and ATE!!! 

Why is it that I can't seem to find my self control button?  I do really good for 3-5 days and then I lose it on the weekends... I just binge - on horrible, toxic junk food.  I want to be healthy, and happy, and glowing but that's never going to happen with the way I binge...

One of my facebook friends recently posted this picture and it really struck a chord with me {see picture on the right}----> It really sums up me, or my lack of strength I suppose.  I can get the motivation to go the gym and workout but for some reason I can't find the strength to control what goes in my mouth for the other 23 hours of the day!  It's so frustrating.  I've tried diet books, and mantras, self-hypnosis and anything else I could find that might help me tame my inner-elephant and nothing works.  I had incredible self-control right after my daughter was born and got to the skinniest I've ever been in my life!  And then something switched and  I went back to every destructive impulse that's derailed me every single other time I've tried to lose weight.

If someone has the secret please feel free to leave it in my comments! :)  I know there's not a magical cure, but it really mystifies me how some people can have incredible strength, and willpower, and self control.... but for some others... it's just not there.  I look towards inspiration people I've stumbled across through out the years (for example... this amazing human being):

And I tell myself, "If they can do it I can do it!"  But after awhile the meaning behind those words just fade away and I'm left wondering if it's ever going to be possible for me to reach my goals in health & fitness.

It's on!

Alright... it's official I am now a member of gym! I haven't had a membership in years... I've been shopping around for awhile and I finally decided on Planet Fitness (close to home, good hours, cheap price).  Then, yesterday we received a surprise refund check in the mail yesterday I new it was time.  So I went down to my local Planet Fitness and signed up!!! So excited!

I have always been a "Wanna-be Runner".  Last year I ran/walked my first 5K with my incredible cousin Danielle and my son Kody... they both kicked my butt.  I was still crazy over weight (about the same weight I am right now) and I was determined to get in shape and run the whole thing the next time around... guess how that turned out?  Not well...  I didn't keep working out, Winter was right around the corner so I stopped training... I pretty much gave up.  Plus being this overweight and running is not super easy on the body.  My old shoes were starting to get worn out and my legs - calves especially were taking a beating.  I tried to start a couple of Couch 2 5K's but I never actually completed the training.  When I start working out Tuesday morning I believe it will officially be attempt number 3.  I believe this year's Color Me Rad is in September, and now that I have a gym membership and a fabulous new pair of Stability + Running Shoes (thank you Shoe Dog) I really feel like I'm ready to go.  Aren't they gorgeous?  They're a fabulous pair of ASICS GEL-Kayano 19's!!!! I've been eyeing these bad boys for awhile! 


So I got the new shoes, and I think I've got the motivation down... now I just have to work on the junk food cravings and keeping the motivation going.  My number 1 motivation?  I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I want to feel healthy and vibrant and gorgeous again.... I do not feel that way right now... I feel weighed down (no pun intended).  Every time I submit to those nasty junk food cravings I feel like crap - emotionally and physically!  I want to be done with that nonsense.  So here it comes... the dreaded before pictures... but look out world a whole new Ashley is on it's way!

(FYI this picture was taken just 2 and a half weeks ago, weighing in at a whopping 226.2 lbs. - yikes!)

Day 1

Goal #1 for today - eat mindfully.

Why is that we human beings - especially Americans - feel the need to stuff ourselves to the point of being sick?  I love food... love, love, love food.  I have my favorites and when I have a hankering for one of them I just don't know when to quit.  I've actually made myself sick from eating so much and what's the point?  The food tastes amazing going down and you're happy while you're eating it, but as soon as you stop you feel like crap.  You feel like crap because you're overstuffed (never a pleasant feeling) and you feel like crap because you know this will lead to a couple more pounds that you're just going to have to do battle with in a couple of weeks, months, or years.  Well I'm sick of feeling like crap.

My goal today is to eat when I'm hungry... and only when I'm hungry.  To eat the best foods I can find for myself and to enjoy every single bite.  It sounds so simple... but my crazy schedule, and working overnights at a gas station can very easily lead me to eat crap.  Imagine... getting 3-6 hours of sleep a day and then going into work (from the hours of 10pm-5am usually) at a place that surrounds you with every possible junk food you can imagine... candy bars, ice cream, chips, dip, energy drinks.... it never ends.

"Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food."  What an amazingly simple quote.  When did we stop eating to live and to heal and start eating processed crap that destroys us from the inside out?  I've always been jealous of my husband who has the incredible ability to eat for sustenance and for no other reason.  If he craves something it's usually no worse than a can of mushrooms.  He craves healthy food, and I've always wished I could eat like that.  For sustenance and not for fun... maybe eating mindfully will be the key to that habit.

Goal #2 for today - meditate.

 For ages and ages I've been trying to find time to meditate on a daily basis.  I recently saw an amazing video

 that said "If you don't have enough time stop watching TV"... well there's a novel idea.

It's amazing how often I complain I don't have enough time to do this, that, or the other... but I always find time to catch up on my favorite TV shows.  Cut that out and I have enough time to do anything!  Meditate, Couch to 5K, garden, laundry... you name it!  So I guess that creates Goal #3... less TV.  Wish me luck!

Learning to believe.

I want to believe.  I want to be that person who is perpetually optimistic, who always believes that something wonderful is about to happen.  The person who lives mindfully, who meditates everyday, who eats healthy, who feels healthy, who never gives up.  I'm not that person yet.  I've been trying for years... this blog is my record of my attempt to become that person.

I've half read all the self help books (I never seem to actually finish one).  I download the meditations and the affirmations, put them on my iPod and listen to them religiously - for about a week... maybe two and then I get sick of it.

I've read all the diet books too... I know how to eat healthy (I've been a vegetarian for 12 years and I've tried veganism a couple of times but I usually give up on that too).  My desire to eat healthy is usually outweighed by my desire to eat something just because (because I'm bored, or because I crave it, or because I'm really depressed... or really happy - figure that one out, or just because I like to eat.

I even made a full list of New Year's Resolutions this year... I don't think I've completed a single one.

I want to make a life change.  I'm not happy in this body or this mindset for that matter.  This is my journey to that life change... a record of my studies, my experiments, my successes, my failures and hopefully my refusal to give up on myself this time.  Don't I deserve to enjoy every second of this crazy blessing they call Life?  Wish me luck it's going to be a bumpy ride.